“The Emergency Planning Society believes that this booklet provides valuable and common sense advice for the public, just in case they're stupid and can't work it out on their own.” Debbie Spargo, Chief Executive of the Emergency Planning Society, who doesn't look like Anthea Turner at all.

The Government is working hard to make sure that the UK is as prepared as it can be in the event of an emergency, and it is important that you are ready too.

No, that's a lie. I'm sorry, I can't keep it up. The Government is working hard to get re-elected, and to give themselves more money. Your safety's maybe number ten on the priority list, just below stopping Euan Blair going on another drinking binge and keeping George Bush from blowing the world up again.

This booklet will tell you how you can help yourself and your family in emergencies, because we're not going to do it ourselves. First chance we get, we'll be off to an undisclosed location, hopefully leaving Gordon Brown behind.

If you need alternative language versions or formats, get someone to translate them or LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH. ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THE WORDS THAT I AM SPEAKING?